The joys of a shopaholic should i say window shopper

oh among of my many tools through shops, i do like to hunt for unusual and CUTE items that bring me joy at first site!!

As you have sussed i was at Kadina yesterday...and i went into the alco section of woolies and stumbled upon this "Happy and some what brightly colorful" creature!!

NOW NOW, im not being hateful to the gay community, infact this is a bold move and it is eye catching to the public eye i suppose...

i wonder if this is an actual place, coz i wanna go there, hopefully someone will greet me like this "WELCOME TO MOUNT GAY!!!"

I imagine some overly excited person who probs hasnt had a customer would greet me in such a manner!!

this truly made my day, did i buy it? no!! sadly i do not commit myself into consuming rum! its ewwy!!! and smells funny!!! :P

i hopped skipped and jumped into this quaint home wares shop, which goes buy the name of "country living"

they have the cutest stuff and if i was rich i would buy all the cutest home and kitchen ware out!!! 

epppp isnt this the most CUTEST patty pan ever!!!

this item is silicon, and my eyes and heart fell in love with this thing at first site!! ***heaven*** ^__________^

This makes me wanna get into the kitchen, like ones styled back in the fifties and have a high tea in my lush green garden!! wanna join??

oh and not very long after i adored that previous must have i spotted this mug, which did make me giggle like a fool in the corner :P 

HAHAHA!!! oh every time i read this i laugh, why you say? well that may humble blog reader, is for the fact its some what true, and i can see myself doing that!!! :P this is with out a doubt the best mug out!! well besides the mug i just bought for me to move out with! which just so happens to be on this sunday!! eepppp!!! i am excited!! 

My new found loves!

howdy y'all

So yesterday  i went on a shopping spree and as i walked past "The Naughty Shop" in the town of kadina i thought to myself now what does every girl need which i dont have, and that my dear female friends, is fish net stockings!! oh and a few other sexy leggings which i think you may like and to which i have fallen in love with...i will wear these babies in more than just the bedroom if you know what im saying. ;)

i apologize for my shocking photo quality, thats what you get for using my web cam i suppose

Epp these are my new loves!! ^_______________^

then i went to the humble cheap as chips store and found these babies, now i can have sleeves with out the pain or the massive cost, too bad they dont match my skin tone :P 

I am gangster! >_______________<

and this was for shits and gigs and to show off my new outty ^_^

LOVE!!! <3 

so there you have it, my new found loves!

so its valentines day and im at home, alone, watching the grammys, stuffing my face with chocolate, whilst going back and forth doing housework to keep the rents happy...and one thing is one my mind, the one goal i must attain and i will live, and that is my friend, To be FAMOUS!! to be known, to one day have a grammy, oscar, academy award or what ever on my shelf...i want screaming fans, the life the cameras, all coz i will be doing something i love and continuing to inspire others, i have been told time and time again, that i stand out in the crowd, that there is something diff about me..but sometimes, i am afraid to be that freak and at times i dont like it! but then others i embrace it...and as i sit here and watch the grammys and see the freak take over the world with their music and fashion, who i one day hope to be just like them! it is my dream, to be known...

its not long and i move from home and begin my life as a uni student and a free spirit and  i cant wait for it all to begin! bring on  the 20th of feb i say!!! hello life!! 

ok so you probs wonder what i look like so i will add a happy snap of me!! :P

enjoy!

ok i lie this is a wig, but you like yes?!

i made this glasses!!!! im a punk rock fairy most days!!

i love being a freak!!

Old age is a bitch

so its been 6 days since my last posting and i have to say life has been rolling in a not so very straight line...

lets talk about old age for example, we all know its gonna come around and knock on our door one day...but the truth is are we ready for it? can we ever be ready for it or is it just as unpredictable as having a new born child, you dont know whats in store....it is true when drs, scientists and everyday folk say, in the end its just like dealing with another baby, its just bigger, wrinkly and that damn much harder...they are on the other end of the spectrum, they have already lived their lives, they've seen it all, experienced it all and lived their dreams...the only thing left for them is that train ride straight to the finish line, where the ride of life stops so a new one can depart...its all waiting for us, each day we chug that lil bit further to our destinations...some journeys are longer or shorter than others...and others go in all sorts of directions...these decisions or acts of fate pave your way to the beginning of the end, they give you your life tools and knowledge to tackle the everyday tasks of life...but none ever help us tackle that sudden halt of life, or the slow descend into our parking spot...we never like to think our days on earth my end, when we still have the functions of a normal person and have a ticking mind and a beating heart, at times we may wish these things to stop we life gets too hard, but the truth is no one wants to die and no one likes the trip into old age and no one likes riding through, as this track is not as predictable or as stable as all the rest you have followed or traveled on in the past, this end of the line, is rocky, bumpy, has its ups and downs and on occasion it can do a full 360 on ya before you know it, right in front of your eyes...like the last leg of a race, when the lactic acid is burning, your hearts pounding so hard in your ears and your lungs cant catch a breath, but you push through, knowing all your hard work, all your training and effort was worth it, as touching that finishing line and getting to the end is and was your ultimate goal..well the end of the line starts as soon as we are born, as soon as we breathe our first piece of air into our lungs the line starts drawing its self in the sand...we are on this ride, whether we like it or not and we are going to finish it whether we want to or not! its the fact of life and there aint nothing no one can do to stop it.

but on another note, i do have to say, by personally experiencing well should i say witnessing the track of old age take its toll on my nanna and spin her for a 360 that i didnt even see it coming...it crept up on me, as it took her around a winding bend as she travels through dementia, it threw all it had at her, like anger fans in a crowd at a performance, she got the full force of its rage thrown at her...little did i know this was coming, im too far behind in my ride of life to fully understand the affects and i could not gather what she must be going through...but i do know what is ahead of me, isnt something i wanna go through anytime soon...as i held my nannas hand as she continued to ride on dementias track, i watched before my eyes as the person i once knew as my loving nanna change before into a blubbering mess of confusion and despair...let me tell you, seeing my nanna be wheeled off into an ambo and knowing hospitals, pills and this is going to be the norm for her, its no wonder why we ignore it and dont like to think about what lies in store for us, as i hate to say it, but old age is a bitch and the end of the line aint pretty for some
all in all, i do hope my dearest nanna does ok in the hospital, as right now that is the best place for her!

ok, im sorry its been a while since my last blurt on life BUT life has been hectic and who knew HOW stressful and tiring packing and organizing moving outta home and uni could be! >.< they certainly dont prepare you for the stresses and tasks the real world throws at you at school..something i think they should do, especially in year 12!!

Anyhoo as my days have past and the date for me draws nearer i have never been more excited and nervous for my life to actually begin and for me to leave the clutches of my parents and start anew. I have come to terms i will be missed and miss the people i leave behind, but they can not be the things that hold me back from my dreams but make me realise where and what ive come from, all in all they will make me appreciate life and i thank them very muchly for everyone who has been in my life thus far!!

It was surprising to me, on Saturday night, my dad and i got rather pissed on shots of sambucca, tequila and this concoction my boss made (this blew my socks off let me tell you) but what isnt the surprise is how drunk i was, that i lost my ability to walk and i started getting louder and later found out i was being rather flirtacious over facebook chat...what surprised me is that my dad opened up to me, saying that he is rather proud of me for aiming towards my goal and achieving it, for organising accommodation arrangements and having my eyes set on the prize, he told me that later on in life, if he sees me on the tv (as dad hates crowds and does not like attending actual events) he would be the most proud of his daughter and be able to say to the next guy sitting next to him at the bar "oi you thats my daughter up there", he also told me that when my name was in the paper, he was smug and so proud of me that he showed his bosses, he also said he will miss me and even though we do not talk he knows what i want to achieve in life, he also told me that he wants me to experience the highs and lows of life, to NEVER work on hindley street or degrade myself to sexual trade habits and he told me with tears in his eyes that he loves me and if anything should happen he is just a phone call away and he be there in a flash!!!!!! these kind words have never been said with such emotion and feeling from him before, we even cried together and hugged, (something which hasnt been done since i was a child) i mean lately i have been keeping the peace and we have been talking and i have even joined in on his conversations with his mates and made a good contribution...I write this passage with tears in my eyes because these words have all that ive been searching for and wanting to hear from him in a long time! and for once in my life i feel closer to my dad than i ever have in my whole life!
/sniffles and wipes tears/
^_________________________^

the next day however i awoke to a 45 degree day and a thumping head ache and the biggest hangover! and i had no recollection of the later events of that evening till the arvo, once i came home from a gruelling 2 hour lunch shift, oh i tell you i will never get so drunk in my life like that again if i have to work the next day!! especially if my job involves working in a kitchen with no aircon and having to work with hot water, i swear if i was in there for another hour i would have passed out!! >.< Though at work, i saw my reception teacher Pam Jarret, i had not seen her in years and it was good to see her and it was good for her to take that while to realise who i was before the word "oh my gosh your Bianca Hams" popped outter her mouth!! i do love it when people i have not seen in ages, react with SO much surprise when they see me, it gives me a good feeling inside, whether they are doing this in a good way or not, to me it just makes me proud that they remembered me! after all i usually do leave a pretty good impression on people and that is one of my favourite traits about myself!!
Anyhoo once i came home from the painstaking 2 hour shift, i hopped on facebook and got told of the things i said to the people i chatted before i went into the land of nod! some of the things were like, "hug me im floating away", "I love you" apparently this was said a million times and when my friend wouldnt say it back i got upset, i got told i needed help taking my clothes off and i wouldnt take no for an answer!! hahah oh this was embarassing, i still dont remember saying these things but i think i sure as hell should avoid facebook once "Drunk Bianca" is on the scene!! hahaha!!!

/sips more vodka/ ahhh on the more blurting

recently people have admitted there thoughts and feelings towards me, and i mean that in a sense that some had feelings more than a friend towards me, and it has made me wonder why, i wasnt told earlier, i mean what would have i done other than taken them on board and acknowledge them, why is it that hard to say to someone they like you or visa versa, i mean who makes it hard or who made it hard for the people to come out and speak our feelings...i believe this is again one of societies deepest flaws and is the reason why we fear judgement on SO many levels, but why is this so? it makes NO sense to me!! i however feel flattered i was even seen as attractive or seen as a potential girlfriend, considering i have always thought i was never good enough and too different to be admired, once again the way i was thought society would view me, was wrong, i know now, different is the new black and with out it you are just as colour as my nannas beige drapes >.< but then again why must then some conform to the chains of society and a make believe world that different is not something people like in a woman and to be the stereotyped woman the world portrays to us ever so frequently...I am in love with myself, yeah im vain, but hey atleast i can look at myself in the mirror and like what i see, even if it is for only a few seconds, coz in those few seconds i must have found something good to admire and then the voice inside my head yells at me for liking myself and im back standing slouched and staring at the bathroom scales (u_________u) have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and wanted to cry or smash it, starred at the scales because the numbers you see arent what you want, have you looked at yourself and seen the bones that poke outta your skin then to suddenly stare at a fat person looking back at you making you feel small and insignificant in the world, do you ever wonder what it would be to be a size smaller and hope that someone would love you for it, do you look at food and see the enemy yet you cant resist the urge to stuff your face with it to then only feel regret, have you ever thought about sticking your fingers down your throat to releave your body of what it clearly shouldnt have, have you ever found yourself staring down at the toilet to see your last meal afloat, have you felt so hungry you swore your stomach was eating itself!? i have and do feel most of these things on a regular basis, but it has been 4 weeks since my last purge and i am ever SO proud of my will! though i have conformed to cutting down on my food, but i still maintain a healthy diet!i do hope one day that i will escape the clutches of my underlying illness, but that will not happen once society stops placing the pressure and value on thinness is beautifulness on woman and how we are supposed to look in order to be successful and or seen in the everyday realm we call reality...tho i do not think this will make the joy and excitement i get when i stand on the scales and see the numbers have decended! i did however have to quit using the wii fit, as much as i loved it, it was feeding my addiction and making me addicted to weight and weight loss and changing my body to be almost a skeleton, i seem to get addicted to things rather quickly, especially if i know the outcome is weight related, i wish i could be comfortable in my skin all the time and appreciate the body i was born with, instead im rather harsh and would rather deprive it of its needs and not satisfy my body's needs!!
Hopefully one day, when i am known, on stage, on tv and in magazines and talk shows i can appreciate myself and know i am doing the things i love in a body i love!

till then my pursuit of inner happiness is a never ending goal!

Labels are meant for cans!

So as all of my readers now know that i was a self harmer and one with a crippling mental illness, you seem to either feel pity, inspired or totally shocked at what you have just learnt about me..but the fact is, you would be surprised that many go through this, that many are walking past you and you dont even notice them, you dont even see it in there eyes the hurt and confusion that is circling behind them!! Mental Illnesses and the people who go through them are a silent race, we do not speak of it and they do not speak of it, as fear of judgment and what the world may think of them, haunts them, therefore making the illness manifest...its like a snowball rolling down a mountain, as it keeps rolling down, its getting bigger and bigger, and as time passes and you are in the illnesses trap the same thing applies..But why must this be the case, that mental illness is something we degrade people for, something we dont encourage people to talk about and something we are more than happy to slide it under the rug than bring it out in the open...Why must this be so, shouldnt we be doing the opposite, shouldnt we be supporting our friends and being there for them?! shouldnt seeking help be envourage and not something looked at as weak and pathetic and shouldnt we stop labeling people for an illness they may or may not have?! why is our society so quick to judge and so quick to label when all it takes is getting to know the person?!

Meh its Aussie Day

So as all of your Aussies know it is Australia Day...and as far as im concerned, this day is totally over rated, i mean why do we need to get sun burnt on the beach, dehydrated by the excessive amounts of alcohol, devour in fatty foods and wake up the next day feeling sorry for ourselves!! i mean is this what makes us Australian, NO! this just proves the sterotype right for one day! we do what everyone in the world thinks we do everyday! i mean we are better than drunken bogans and sunburnt sluts!! But alas i will be the better person, and stay at home, blogging, keeping up to date with my social networks and surf the web like the troll i am!! :P  HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY!! i wont feel sorry for you tomorrow! :P

So as you know from my previous posting! i am moving to Adelaide on the 13th of feb! i cant wait im SO excited to get away from this hell of a hole that i live in!! >.< i mean i have lived in the country for most of my life and i have never felt like i have belonged here and i have never enjoyed it, i love, the smell of the polluted air, the sound of cars, tiny back yards, houses close together, the array of people and most of all im going to love getting out of my house and away from my parents, as it is about this time this bird flew from the nest and out into the big wide world!!

I was offered to study at flinders university in the BA of arts and i plan to major in drama! for starters i am going to be living with my friend in clearview, i know i know, that is miles away from Flinders, but i didnt wanna live with strangers so i thought to play it safe and since its my first big step into the real world i would wanna do it with people i knew beside me!! i plan to move closer later on, as i get to know people better and seek out my surroundings!! i have saved like a made women, and i have turned into a scrouge and im SO ready to start living independent! as well as start having fun with my life!! Bring on the 13th of Feb i say! i am So pumped and ready to move, but i know this will be hard on my family, but in a good way, i mean everyone eventually leaves the nest at some stage!!

eeppp so till then i will sit here excited to start my life as the new BHAMS!!!! future, freedom and fame here i come!!! oh coz did i tell you i wanna be a famous person one day!! hopefully in the acting department!!