ok, im sorry its been a while since my last blurt on life BUT life has been hectic and who knew HOW stressful and tiring packing and organizing moving outta home and uni could be! >.< they certainly dont prepare you for the stresses and tasks the real world throws at you at school..something i think they should do, especially in year 12!!

Anyhoo as my days have past and the date for me draws nearer i have never been more excited and nervous for my life to actually begin and for me to leave the clutches of my parents and start anew. I have come to terms i will be missed and miss the people i leave behind, but they can not be the things that hold me back from my dreams but make me realise where and what ive come from, all in all they will make me appreciate life and i thank them very muchly for everyone who has been in my life thus far!!

It was surprising to me, on Saturday night, my dad and i got rather pissed on shots of sambucca, tequila and this concoction my boss made (this blew my socks off let me tell you) but what isnt the surprise is how drunk i was, that i lost my ability to walk and i started getting louder and later found out i was being rather flirtacious over facebook chat...what surprised me is that my dad opened up to me, saying that he is rather proud of me for aiming towards my goal and achieving it, for organising accommodation arrangements and having my eyes set on the prize, he told me that later on in life, if he sees me on the tv (as dad hates crowds and does not like attending actual events) he would be the most proud of his daughter and be able to say to the next guy sitting next to him at the bar "oi you thats my daughter up there", he also told me that when my name was in the paper, he was smug and so proud of me that he showed his bosses, he also said he will miss me and even though we do not talk he knows what i want to achieve in life, he also told me that he wants me to experience the highs and lows of life, to NEVER work on hindley street or degrade myself to sexual trade habits and he told me with tears in his eyes that he loves me and if anything should happen he is just a phone call away and he be there in a flash!!!!!! these kind words have never been said with such emotion and feeling from him before, we even cried together and hugged, (something which hasnt been done since i was a child) i mean lately i have been keeping the peace and we have been talking and i have even joined in on his conversations with his mates and made a good contribution...I write this passage with tears in my eyes because these words have all that ive been searching for and wanting to hear from him in a long time! and for once in my life i feel closer to my dad than i ever have in my whole life!
/sniffles and wipes tears/
^_________________________^

the next day however i awoke to a 45 degree day and a thumping head ache and the biggest hangover! and i had no recollection of the later events of that evening till the arvo, once i came home from a gruelling 2 hour lunch shift, oh i tell you i will never get so drunk in my life like that again if i have to work the next day!! especially if my job involves working in a kitchen with no aircon and having to work with hot water, i swear if i was in there for another hour i would have passed out!! >.< Though at work, i saw my reception teacher Pam Jarret, i had not seen her in years and it was good to see her and it was good for her to take that while to realise who i was before the word "oh my gosh your Bianca Hams" popped outter her mouth!! i do love it when people i have not seen in ages, react with SO much surprise when they see me, it gives me a good feeling inside, whether they are doing this in a good way or not, to me it just makes me proud that they remembered me! after all i usually do leave a pretty good impression on people and that is one of my favourite traits about myself!!
Anyhoo once i came home from the painstaking 2 hour shift, i hopped on facebook and got told of the things i said to the people i chatted before i went into the land of nod! some of the things were like, "hug me im floating away", "I love you" apparently this was said a million times and when my friend wouldnt say it back i got upset, i got told i needed help taking my clothes off and i wouldnt take no for an answer!! hahah oh this was embarassing, i still dont remember saying these things but i think i sure as hell should avoid facebook once "Drunk Bianca" is on the scene!! hahaha!!!

/sips more vodka/ ahhh on the more blurting

recently people have admitted there thoughts and feelings towards me, and i mean that in a sense that some had feelings more than a friend towards me, and it has made me wonder why, i wasnt told earlier, i mean what would have i done other than taken them on board and acknowledge them, why is it that hard to say to someone they like you or visa versa, i mean who makes it hard or who made it hard for the people to come out and speak our feelings...i believe this is again one of societies deepest flaws and is the reason why we fear judgement on SO many levels, but why is this so? it makes NO sense to me!! i however feel flattered i was even seen as attractive or seen as a potential girlfriend, considering i have always thought i was never good enough and too different to be admired, once again the way i was thought society would view me, was wrong, i know now, different is the new black and with out it you are just as colour as my nannas beige drapes >.< but then again why must then some conform to the chains of society and a make believe world that different is not something people like in a woman and to be the stereotyped woman the world portrays to us ever so frequently...I am in love with myself, yeah im vain, but hey atleast i can look at myself in the mirror and like what i see, even if it is for only a few seconds, coz in those few seconds i must have found something good to admire and then the voice inside my head yells at me for liking myself and im back standing slouched and staring at the bathroom scales (u_________u) have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and wanted to cry or smash it, starred at the scales because the numbers you see arent what you want, have you looked at yourself and seen the bones that poke outta your skin then to suddenly stare at a fat person looking back at you making you feel small and insignificant in the world, do you ever wonder what it would be to be a size smaller and hope that someone would love you for it, do you look at food and see the enemy yet you cant resist the urge to stuff your face with it to then only feel regret, have you ever thought about sticking your fingers down your throat to releave your body of what it clearly shouldnt have, have you ever found yourself staring down at the toilet to see your last meal afloat, have you felt so hungry you swore your stomach was eating itself!? i have and do feel most of these things on a regular basis, but it has been 4 weeks since my last purge and i am ever SO proud of my will! though i have conformed to cutting down on my food, but i still maintain a healthy diet!i do hope one day that i will escape the clutches of my underlying illness, but that will not happen once society stops placing the pressure and value on thinness is beautifulness on woman and how we are supposed to look in order to be successful and or seen in the everyday realm we call reality...tho i do not think this will make the joy and excitement i get when i stand on the scales and see the numbers have decended! i did however have to quit using the wii fit, as much as i loved it, it was feeding my addiction and making me addicted to weight and weight loss and changing my body to be almost a skeleton, i seem to get addicted to things rather quickly, especially if i know the outcome is weight related, i wish i could be comfortable in my skin all the time and appreciate the body i was born with, instead im rather harsh and would rather deprive it of its needs and not satisfy my body's needs!!
Hopefully one day, when i am known, on stage, on tv and in magazines and talk shows i can appreciate myself and know i am doing the things i love in a body i love!

till then my pursuit of inner happiness is a never ending goal!

Labels are meant for cans!

So as all of my readers now know that i was a self harmer and one with a crippling mental illness, you seem to either feel pity, inspired or totally shocked at what you have just learnt about me..but the fact is, you would be surprised that many go through this, that many are walking past you and you dont even notice them, you dont even see it in there eyes the hurt and confusion that is circling behind them!! Mental Illnesses and the people who go through them are a silent race, we do not speak of it and they do not speak of it, as fear of judgment and what the world may think of them, haunts them, therefore making the illness manifest...its like a snowball rolling down a mountain, as it keeps rolling down, its getting bigger and bigger, and as time passes and you are in the illnesses trap the same thing applies..But why must this be the case, that mental illness is something we degrade people for, something we dont encourage people to talk about and something we are more than happy to slide it under the rug than bring it out in the open...Why must this be so, shouldnt we be doing the opposite, shouldnt we be supporting our friends and being there for them?! shouldnt seeking help be envourage and not something looked at as weak and pathetic and shouldnt we stop labeling people for an illness they may or may not have?! why is our society so quick to judge and so quick to label when all it takes is getting to know the person?!

Meh its Aussie Day

So as all of your Aussies know it is Australia Day...and as far as im concerned, this day is totally over rated, i mean why do we need to get sun burnt on the beach, dehydrated by the excessive amounts of alcohol, devour in fatty foods and wake up the next day feeling sorry for ourselves!! i mean is this what makes us Australian, NO! this just proves the sterotype right for one day! we do what everyone in the world thinks we do everyday! i mean we are better than drunken bogans and sunburnt sluts!! But alas i will be the better person, and stay at home, blogging, keeping up to date with my social networks and surf the web like the troll i am!! :P  HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY!! i wont feel sorry for you tomorrow! :P

So as you know from my previous posting! i am moving to Adelaide on the 13th of feb! i cant wait im SO excited to get away from this hell of a hole that i live in!! >.< i mean i have lived in the country for most of my life and i have never felt like i have belonged here and i have never enjoyed it, i love, the smell of the polluted air, the sound of cars, tiny back yards, houses close together, the array of people and most of all im going to love getting out of my house and away from my parents, as it is about this time this bird flew from the nest and out into the big wide world!!

I was offered to study at flinders university in the BA of arts and i plan to major in drama! for starters i am going to be living with my friend in clearview, i know i know, that is miles away from Flinders, but i didnt wanna live with strangers so i thought to play it safe and since its my first big step into the real world i would wanna do it with people i knew beside me!! i plan to move closer later on, as i get to know people better and seek out my surroundings!! i have saved like a made women, and i have turned into a scrouge and im SO ready to start living independent! as well as start having fun with my life!! Bring on the 13th of Feb i say! i am So pumped and ready to move, but i know this will be hard on my family, but in a good way, i mean everyone eventually leaves the nest at some stage!!

eeppp so till then i will sit here excited to start my life as the new BHAMS!!!! future, freedom and fame here i come!!! oh coz did i tell you i wanna be a famous person one day!! hopefully in the acting department!!

Naughty Nanna!!

As you found out previously my nanna lives with us, she has been living with us since  november of last year and i have to say, i dont think any of us were prepared for what was in store for us!

On the 28th of this month will be two years since my nannas husband (pop) of 56 years has passed...and in this time of pops passing, has been a great divide of our family, i do not have any contacted with either of my dads two sisters, they both hate each other and are all to stubborn and selfish to forgive and forget what ever it was that had made them drift apart! my Pop died of cancer, he was poorly for ages and you could see the damage this sickening illness was doing to him, but did any other my two aunties organise his funeral, see him before he passed and offer to help NO!! they all left it up to my dad to sort out the mess, and so he did, but lil did he know, that now they would blame him for taking their dad away, for taking over control and for dividing the family, lil did he know how this would affect him and his family!! anyhoo back to the point of this story...

So my nanna lives with us, she has dementia and you can see it slowly taking hold of her, you can hear it and worst of all its walking around in our house like she owns the place..i know its her illness talking and i know living in a house of 9 now must be hard! it would be hard to be ill like this and live with a household of children, and as far as im concerned, she needs to be in a home! she yells at us, she thinks my brother and sisters are stupid and get away with murder, she is obsessed with standing in the door way and doing the dishes and feeding and caring for her dog more so than herself!! she has said several times that she wants to die, she doesnt wanna be here any more! and she has told to my fathers and mothers face that we arent good enough and we should just fuck off!

I used to love my nanna, we all used to! now the table has turned and we wont nothing more than to get her outta our house, as far as im concerned i couldnt care if she died, as she is doing nothing but causing fights, tearing us apart and dividing us!!! she wants all the attention on her, she thrives off of it, but face it nanna, you are a guest in our house and you will follow our rules! if that is too hard for you, i say stiff shit! get over it or get out!! go live with your daugthers, nut no she wouldnt, shes a coward and wouldnt do anything that would help herself, she wouldnt know how to think for herself!

Dad needs to grow some balls and put her in a home, even if she goes in kicking and screaming, im sick of her asking me stupid questions, im sick of her watching me when im in the bathroom putting my make up on, im sick of her stinking up he fucking toilet coz she has bad bowels or whatever! its her fault she is getting worse, she wont eat, she lives off of coffee and feeds her dog more than herself!!

i know i know, this is old age, and this is her illness talking and i know we cant really do anything for her, but be here for her, and watch her as she slips through our fingers and slips even further into her dementia, but the thing is, she should be doing this is a home for the elderly, i dont see what makes them SO scary, i mean i know its kinda like the end of the line, but atleast you will be with people with people who are your own age, going through the same things and talk about the past with one another!!

There are three generations in our house and im SO sick of the generational clash, im sick of nanna be SO curious and interested in the computer and asking me pointless questions and reading what im doing!! and im sure this makes her feel behind in the times, but lets face it, SHE is! and lets face this, SHE IS GOING TO WRECK OUR FAMILY IF SHE ISNT OUT SOON!!!!!

But thank god in 17 days i am moving to adelaide!!! hurrah! hello new beginnings!

All Up in Flames!

Yesterday, On the 25th of Jan 2011, at around 4:30pm a fire broke loose, it was caused by a stupid farmer in his header, it was a hot and windy day, a total fire ban, yet this guy thought it would be a smart idea to go out on his header, lil did he know, that his lil accident, could make a crop 80 meters away from our house be consumed by flames that were 1-2 meters high, Thick black smoke choked the sky, but there was our family, unaware of what was happening until my youngest sister ran inside and screamed THERES A FIRE!! 

mum yelled at me to get outter the house, lil did she know i was on skype to my girlfriend, so i had to shut my laptop and run, as i saw angry orange flames move through wheat stubble! I have never felt such panic and confusion, i have never felt a wave of an emotions crash and fall inside me like this, then as the wave washed away i was numb, i felt nothing, but a sense to make sure everyone was safe, My mother doesnt drive and luckily she had her friend over that did and we piled in, all eleven of us in a 5 seater car, my other sister 2 years younger than me, hopped on the motor bike and drove behind us as we evacuated, Kids were crying, screaming and confusion was swimming inside this car, dad was at work, he had no clue as to what was going on and we made it our mission to go and tell him, My nanna lives with us and all she was worried about was her dog, i mean she didnt wanna get in the car, she wanted to stay at our house and die!! but with pushing and shoving we got her in the car at last!! 

As we were driving down the road i was looking back in the rear view mirror and watched the smoke below and move up past our house and further up the crop, the wind was blowing south therefore it was pushing and forcing the fire past out house, but i couldnt help but dread, what would happen if it decided to change, i couldnt help but imagine coming home to find all that was once our home, was ambers and ashes, i couldnt help but think of my belongings, my families belongings and my clothes burning!! i was feeling nothing, i couldnt cry, i felt no emotion, its like i was drained and my emotions seeped out through my feet and onto the car floor!

We got to the Curramulka mine to tell dad what had happened, and as we all stepped out of the car, it hit me, i cried so hard, i couldnt breathe, i could see from the 8 kms away the smoke rising into to air, i could feel everyones panic and emotion and most of all i was breaking down, so i bit my lip, i swear i bit it SO hard you would have sworn i was going  to bite it off and i grabbed my 8 year old sister and hugged her tightly!! dad arrived and we told him the story, he went off in his ute to help the CFS, while all of us piled in the car once more and headed to the Curramulka general store, there the children got to go to the back of the shop and have a swim in there pool to take their mind off of what was happening around them, i was left in charge to watch them, mum went with her friend to the fire station, while my 15 year old sister went inside the ship and sat with nanna, seeing the children laugh, screaming and talk with joy as they played and splashed in the pool made my heart sink, it made me love my family and it made me greatful to know that when a crisis is occurring the amount of generosity the general public give you! as much as i know it is pity, it feels good to know that country people come together and help one another, hours pass, and so far 3 fire trucks were at the fire, and a myriad of people fighting the fire were there..it was two hours later when the fire was contained that we were able to come home!! we were told the fire was out and our house was saved!!

So as the kids got out the pool and dried off, we got home in two cars, a lady from the CFS didnt want 11 kids in one car so she offered to take half of us in her car..as we drove home, we saw trucks driving back, police and as we neared our house i could see the fire trucks, firemen and everyone helping to keep it under control! I never felt more greatful to see my house standing there, i never felt more greatful to be alive, and i felt SO much appreciation for the CFS crew and for all the people that did what they had to do!! as i saw the black burnt crop next to our house, it seemed much further away than the previous time i saw it being engulfed by flames!! i suddenly got feeling back and my emotions settled as i could walk into my house knowing everything was ok and in its place!!

I LOVE ASHLII ~ I needed to say this!

well i think my rant on life and why it has been sucky has been done to death, but i do have to say, finding my Girl Ashlii Benedict and falling in love with such a kind and gentle soul like hers, Has never felt SO right, i have NEVER felt more comfortable in my own skin, i have never felt more alive and i have never felt this amount of love before! and i hope it stays for as long as i shall live, as a life without her by my side is a life half lived!!!!

Why should it matter??!!! but it does!

even though, i was happy with my new life, i was loving the fact i knew i was gay, but i didnt have the courage to tell my parents again, well parent (as my dad is the biggest homophobe) so i didnt have the courage to tell my mum again i was gay, you would think hearing it once would be enough, sadly it wasnt! :(

Anyhoo in april to june of 2010 i dated a guy, it was lust and i think i was a lonely girl looking for love and i knew the fact i knew NO other lesbians in the school so i thought why not, this could be fun! but no this was the worst mistake of my life!!!he was 6 years older than me! i thought that was cool enough to date him, you know someone with brains, someone to lead me straight and personally i think i was looking for a father figure in my life, so as if you havent caught on yet, me and my dad dont get on! i mean we may look like the perfect father daughter when we have guests or when we are out, but what goes on behind closed doors is another story! anyhoo this guy, treated me badly, i mean who tells a girl they are fat, who wont return sexual favors, calls your mum a bitch and is controling! and the worst thing of all, who DOESNT CARE IF YOU GET KNOCKED UP!!!!! i had to end it right there! and it was then and there when i noticed i was dating my dad! he had the same attributes as my father and the same job as my father once had and likes the same things! i had to get out and i had to face the music, i had to stop with the guys, as it was hurting my heart, as much as it was hurting the guys hearts who i either cheated on or broke up on! in the end i had to do it to save myself from being in a relationship that i didnt wanna be in!!!  so time past and i thought about myself a lot! and i focused on school! it was good to focus on something other than myself for once!!!

i regained my courage and one day outter the blue i came to school dressed as a fairy! why you say, well its simple, it was to support gays rights in Australia, it was to show people in the school that it doesnt matter about where you come from, where youve been, your sex or gender, life style choices, faiths religions or whatever, what matters is you and you being happy!!! so i came to school as a fairy, yeah by now i think most people this was just the norm for me, they did not know the real meaning and why should they, i know deep down there where people out there inspired by this, who were jealous of my confidence, but i dont care, i say let them be jealous, let the bitches bitch about me, at least im standing up for what i believe in!! then a Dickhead at school thought it would be funny to push me in a bush, get it (lez in a bush) not funny i say, hurtful too actually, but i didnt let that worry, that just showed me his mentatlity is that of a 7 year olds! it just shows  that gays are seen as the lower class of society, they laughing stock, the ones you can make fun of because society says so! well THIS HAS TO CHANGE!! but it cant and wont! i mean for an evolutionary race, we are a stupid one! i mean, our toughts, views and judgments on this issue are stone age! they arent up with the times! and we have religions, society and politcians saying being gay means you have NO rights, they say its a sin, that it means nothing and they are sexual desires that shouldnt be fullfilled and its WRONG!

but how can love and being loved be wrong, how can happiness and being happy be denied, how can the right to say i do to the same sex as you or me, be wrong, HOW IS IT WRONG?? where is it wrong, i mean if we are worried about the population decreasing coz gays can get married, there is ivf, adoption and willing people to have babies for others! the world will always have people! the population wont decrease if gays marry, the marriage rates will be higher than the divorce ones and there will be more and more happier people walking the streets, people are dying because of this divide against gays, people are taking their own lives! this has to stop!!! this isnt a world we wanna live in! would you wanna live in a world fueled by hatred and having the one thing that makes you happy taken from you???!!! i think NOT!