SO after that horrific ordeal, do you think i could have been the brave one and told people about what just happened behind closed doors, do you think that i could tell someone about what i was going through and how this was affecting me?! NO!
i let this boil up and consume me for days, weeks and months, until one day in sex ed, when my grade seven teacher was telling us a story was just to similar to mine that before i could force my tears back behind my ducts and before i knew what i was about to do, i sat there balling my eyes out, crying and having peering eyes look over at me as they were confused as to what made this lil shy timid girl SO upset, we headed for the school gym and my teacher stopped me, i broke down and told her everything! i told her every detail, i was surprised she even understood me through my sobs!! next thing i know im in my mums arms, crying like no other, telling her im sorry and walking with her, i could see the truth cutting her and me up into lil tiny pieces, i could feel the pain he caused well up inside me again, i could sense this was only just the begining!
next thing i know im sitting in the police station reporting this incident and making a statement, not something a thirteen year old wants to go through, and definately not something anyone who has ever been a victim wants to do!! >.< after i gave my statement, i was told these things took a while to process and i was told the 19th of sepetmber 2007 would be my court day! a day before my 15th birthday! and who knew it would take a year to get it into court, who knew that giving a statement and reporting this to the police meant more bullying, mysterious phone calls from unknown numbers, with people whispering and screaming and who knew the pain and hurt consuming me from the inside out and who knew that i knew how to put on a mask of a girl that looked and seemed happy! if only they could hear my screams coming from the my insides!!
funny though, that this incident made me lie awake at night and not think about him and what he did to me or the bullies and the sickening feelings i got from school, or worry about my parents constant fighting and the constant screams and yells of the many children inside our house, it made me think of the girl in the cubicle back in WA, it made my feelings for girls rise to the surface once more, it made me realise, that the boy friends i had in between were nothing but flings, and it made me confident enough, to wanna tell my "friends" about these feelings! lil did i know that they would reject my feelings for women and reject me as a friend, who knew that it was now another thing people could pay me out for, who knew how betrayed and foolish i felt and who knew it was enough to send me running to the girls cubicle running and crying my eyes out, coz from that day forward i had to change, i had to become some body else!!!
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