SO i changed myself, i dyed my hair black and wore nothing but it, i hid my feelings from the world, and wrote them out in morbid poems! i shut myself off from the world and i wanted to be invisible, i cut myself from my friends, well they werent friends, they were just bitches that i hung around with as i knew no better!
Thank fuck i was moving from Ardrossan and to 8kms away from a lil country town called Curramulka and thank fuck it was away from Ardrossan as the bitches got worse and the bullying got harsher and my inner hatred towards the world and myself grew, my family communication died, as a result of having a mobile and for what i was so called labled "gothic"
we moved to Curramulka on the 4th of of Sepetmeber 2007, it was fun to start with, new house, new location, it soon took me long enough to realise i didnt belong there, it took me long enough to realise that even though i was away from my bullies, i ran away from them, and run away from your problems just makes them worse!!! but as time pressed on, it was time to do the hard thing of starting a new school, god i was a bad friend maker, and who would wanna make friends with me anyway? i mean rumors of a lesbian gothic coming to Minlaton district school were already circling before i got there so hiding it was going to be hard!
but as the lil liar that i was of course i never admitted to being a lesbian, of course i made sure that, that rumor was false and i made sure that i seemed friendly enough for people to actually wanna talk to me, coz lets face it, no one wants to be alone, no matter if they seem to push the ones they love aside!!!!
It wasnt long into this move that the 19th of september arrived and i had to face the judge, corny i know but it was true, so i dressed up in my finest black clothes, did my hair in my goth style and sat in the waiting area for 5 fucking hours, going over my lines, going over my statement, going where im meant to be sitting, going through boxes of tissues, going through thoughts of everything, hating the fact it was my birthday the next day and hating the fact the room i was in was BORING and uncomfy!!! in the end the bastard pleaded guilty! off with a lighter sentence and me not having to stand in the witness box, thank god i didnt have to do that! i think things would be alot different if i had to actually stand up there and tell my side of the story, the ride home was sickening, i ate food, i mean i ate like never before, i was SO numb, i wanted this numb feeling to stay with me forever, i didnt want to ever feel anything again! it was comforting not having to deal with emotions for a while!!!
then for some unknown reason, during english i wrote this morbid poem...
DARK CLOUDS
thick dark clouds hang over me,
cant set my soul free,
my wounds scream for pain,
my blood pours like pouring rain,
soft tears drip down my face,
i want to leave this place,
nothing can make me stay here,
So i shed one last tear,
thick clouds still make my day,
i want to scream and say,
GOOD BYE!
my life has past within a blink of an eye,
white light,
in my way of sight,
i still go strong,
i slowly go on,
to what lies ahead,
i'd rather lie dead,
and break free
and never see
the hands of the devil!
who knew this tiny poem would send me into the counselors office, but lil did i know, my english teacher was the counselor...
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