self harm is a bitch!

So with me in the counselors office i sat there lying my way through this lecture about depression, i just said these were merely thoughts, i mean nothing of them as words are cheap and im to WEAK to kill myself..

Later than night i got naked in front of the mirror in the bathroom like i did everytime before that before i stepped into the shower, but this time it was different, this time i saw, how ugly and vile i was, i saw how fat i had become and it was no surprise why people hated me...then i looked at the razor blade in the shower and i thought wouldnt it be an idea to cut myself with it! so i pressed the blade on my left thigh, it felt cool against my skin, i closed my eyes, breathed in heavily and swiped it across my skin like a credit card being read, i rolled my eyes in the back of my head and did it again and again and again, i changed legs and started in the right thigh, there i couldnt stop, i was on a high! i was enjoying this and i was enjoying watching my blood run down my legs and onto the cold hard tiles beneath me!!! i looked in the mirror and i smiled at what i had done, then i raced over to the toilet behind me, forced three fingers down my throat, i gagged at first, but nothing came up so i kept going and going untill all that reamined of my dinner beforehand was floating infront of my eyes! it was a vile mess, it hurt, smelled but i didnt care coz as long as i felt good about what i was doing i didnt wanna stop! who knew this lil game, this lil toy of torture, would consume me! take over my being! be the monster that made me run from myself and hate the outside me and eat the inside me!!!!!!!

who knew the depression and the hurt could consume me enough to wanna take my life, my first attempt, hanging by an electrical cord from the certain rod, it didnt worked and i fell to the ground along with the rod, second attempt with pills to only wake up feeling like death and regretting the fact i wasnt dead and the 3rd time also by pills!!! which again didnt work even though i took double the amount then the previous time!!!

who knew one round of my morning cutting sessions before school would lead to it opening up and not being able to stop bleeding and being rushed to the drs by the schools counselor coz my friend told her what i had done and i ended up getting stitches, who knew i would be on med after med trying to make this go away, but lil did my drs know i didnt take them, the bin or toilet got them! >.<

who knew that i would be yelled at, told to die by my parents, not cared about by them, not supported by them to get helped, not encouraged by them to help, not seeing their love for me and for my trust to be totally gone from them, who knew the pain and suffering i was causing, who knew the physical damage i was doing, like always fainting coz i was hardly eating, coz i was only 60kgs when my bmi told me to be atleast 65 or higher, when walking became hard coz the cuts rubbed against my clothing, where my cheeks sunk in and my eyes were always bold shot and where i was never happy!! i was screaming and dying in the inside, but i didnt want to be saved i wanted to be DEAD!!!!

that was untill i seeked help for myself, coz after attempting to kill myself right before my pop died a week later, i saw the hurt and the grief death causes, i saw that i could  die from what i was doing and i was scared to die as much as i wanted it! i seeked out professional help, with out my parents, knowing, coz as far as im concerned they didnt wanna help me and thought it was just all about growing up, lil did they know i was SO close to dying they just couldnt see it!! with months and months of therapy, tears, pain and maybe some good memories of this journey!!!

it has been a year since i last cut myself and i am ever SO proud of myself!!!!! i can wear short shorts and feel sexy in my underwear now! but sadly from this day it is only two weeks since i last purged, but before that it was 8 months!!! i continue to have body image issues, i am weight conscious and i find myself getting addicted to diets making the numbers on the scales smaller that sometimes i relapse, but i know now i have enough will power to get over it all!! and i will get over this! i em also no longer depressed to! i saw light at the end of the tunnel and i got there!!!! i walked right into it and came out the other side!!!!

Self harm is a bitch! this was only the short version of my story, there are scenes cut out and whole incidents that coulda been added but i would be here for days if i were to relay them out to you! but i guess you get the picture anyway!!