There is Still so Much you guys are YET to learn!!

OK So i may have been the messed up child, the daughter who wasnt as perfect as her parents thought, the one who should have risen above the haters, the one that should have shone like no other!! but instead i was crippled by depression! forced fed the lies i told myself that i was unworthy!
I was a Dyke in denial that was also bulimic, a cutter, went through periods of seeing things that werent there and depressed..oh dont i just sound charming!!

and i was right! i was a dyke in denial, that was until at a friends 15th birthday party, i came out! i was 16 at the time. most of the girls in my class were invited! we were playing the game truth or dare and i chose truth, that was after many rounds of dare i thought it was time to tell some truth! lil did i know that coming out at this time in my life, was not the right time, but is there ever a right time to tell someone you are GAY! to tell them in confidence and expect them to accept you for you, but instead they judge you on your sexuality and cant see past it, is there ever a right way to tell someone you are GAY?! but then it brings me to this, why should there have to be a right time, why cant people just accept it and move on, why cant we see past all the hate and just love another for who they truly are as a person? sadly even in this day and age, this is wishful thinking!!!

so after coming out to them, and after the weekend of that party, i notice the girls lookin at me differently, i see them distance themselves, i hear them whisper about me and look back and forth when they talk to me..and then it hits me, THIS IS WRONG!!

i panic at the fact, that i know im gay and i cant help it any more, i panic because this is the one thing that keeps making me lose friends, i panic at the thought of my parents finding out, my bosses finding out and my parents friends! i wish i could take my words back and never have said them at that party! i wish i didnt open up to them as much as i should have and i wish i wasnt a LESBIAN!!!!

SO again, i force my feelings about women inside! i force them so hard, i cut them outter me (well i thought i did), i purged them out! i had to be straight, but how can you become something you are not, when you know thats what you are...i was getting good at pretend, so as 2 years and a bit went by, i dated two guys, lost my virginity, became cheap and easy and i would do it with just about any body! i mean i used to cry after sex or after anything with guys! so i told myself enough is enough! i had to stop putting myself through this agony,i had to just face it! I AM GAY!!!! but how could i do that, i tried coming out to mum, but she laughed and thought it was a joke, a 'Phase' as she called it! how could this be a phase, oh if only she knew what i got up to, if only she knew how i felt when i saw an attractive woman on the TV, in a magazine, Movie or in a play, if only she knew that when i masterbate i think of women! phase i THINK NOT!!!

so then after giving up the guys and giving up the lies! giving up the self harm, giving up the vomiting, giving up the depressed thoughts, i felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders, i felt a whole new me was born! i felt life was worth living and i discovered my love and scary obsession for lady gaga helped me through this issue!!

Lady Gaga is my idol, not only as a singer and a fashion icon, but she let me fly my freak flag with pride, she made me see that being a freak isnt a bad thing, people admire individuals, people admire the ones who seem to stand out above from the crowd!! this was at the beginning of 2010 the beginning of year 12 that i realised who i was, that i realised i was that freak who stood above the crowd and i realised that i didnt need friends in life to feel loved! i totally believe you have to love yourself before others! and that is totally true!!! i love myself therefore i can love another!!!

I started to do as i pleased, speak my mind and not give a damn, i rose above the haters, like Lady Gaga said to do, i ignored the words that used to cut me so! and i started living my life the way i wanted it!! i wore, wacky clothes, cut my hair short, made weird glasses, spoke my mind, sang while i walked, danced like a fool in class but most of all i smiled and felt more alive than ever!!!! some people may have found that annoying, they may have thought i was nuts, but if they knew what this meant to me, then i would totally understand!!

but yet there is still more to come!